Overwhelm and Overflow

There are seasons in our life when things just seem to be completely out of our control and the schedule begins to run our lives instead of us managing it...

That's where I've been...

Not all of it has been bad, but a lot of it this year has been incredibly difficult and heart wrenching. The biggest hurt of all of this has been the loss of the man that has been my foundation since the day I entered this world with my very first breath. May 12th will forever be a day that my heart will hurt, the day I lost my grandpa.

There is something special about grandpas, I know this even more so now than ever before. I know this because in the space between friends and acquaintances where there are no truly comforting words that can be said...that's been the go to, the way to help me feel comforted and understood and seen. The way to relate. All meant with kindness and good intentions...but most of them fell short.

You see, this man, my grandpa, the man that was my day 1 man...he was so much more than a grandpa for me. I wasn't born with a father...but I was born with a man that loved me as if he was just that, and probably just a little bit more because that's just what grandpas do. He taught me that I was capable. He encouraged me to be smart. He gave me a love of reading and knowledge and hard work. He poured into me in every way the greatest dad's out there would. He was my gift.

He gave me the love of travel and road trips and seeing that the world is bigger than any small or large town I might be living in. He instilled in me the importance of family and even more than just holding them close...but being real in it. He loved me even at my worst times and was always honest about that even if he didn't like who I was being at the time. There was never a doubt or question as to what either of us was thinking or feeling. Everything was said.

And now...now for the first time in my 45 years of life...I don't have him. And I am still trying to learn who I am in this world without my anchor and my guide. I know that he had given his life to Jesus, and I am so grateful for that gift. I know I will see him again one day and I will be standing in the throne room singing Holy! Holy! Holy! alongside him, and that gives me peace. But for now, for now I am still on this earth and living this life to the best of my ability without the one man that has been with me from day one.

I will keep going. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Some days, one hour at a time. I will keep pouring all he poured into me into my own children. I will teach them the love and grace he taught me. I will be the calm voice in their worlds when things get to big and things get to0 loud. I will be the new anchor for our family.

Because he taught me how.

Forever yours gramps!

~Farmer Mandy Lee