Here’s to not shrinking!

Here’s to not shrinking…

My entire life I’ve been known for walking into a room and everyone knew I was there. My mom has always called me a social butterfly. My family has called me the loud one my whole life. My husband says I never meet a stranger. My kids say I get to excited to talk. 

I can’t say that any of them are wrong. 

There’s another side to it though. There’s the side that nobody really ever sees or recognizes. Even those that live with me every single day. 

I am also absolutely terrified of failing, especially failing publicly. 

It’s probably PTSD in all honestly. Permanent scarring to my personality and core memories. But that’s a story for another time. 

In this fear I have learned that the enemy has a wide open entrance to make himself nice and comfy. And in turn it forces me to begin to doubt myself, question what I know and even begin to shrink back. 

I mean who am I to think I am worthy of the things my heart so deeply desires? Who am I to believe that God would ever stoop down and use me? Who am I to think that the plans I’ve prayed over could ever come to fruition? Who am I? 

I’ve only talked about this with a couple people. I try hard not to burden others. I try to not put my stuff on anyone else’s plate. I am the helper. I am the servant. I am the doer. I am the fixer.

It almost physically impossible for me to change that. 

You see friends I have been given a big ‘ol Texas sized dream for this farm and it’s reach is far beyond these fences. 

And it’s actually happening. 

Not scary at all…Right??? 

Wrong! Terrifying and overflowing with self doubt and self criticism. 

Not only do I not want to fail me. But I don’t want to fail my kids. I don’t want to fail my community. But most importantly…I don’t want to fail God. If he thinks I can do this then I have to give it my all. 

Except I keep forgetting the part where He never said do it without him. He never said here’s a dream go figure it out. He never said here’s the end goal, I’ll see you there. He started this. He’s with me in it. And He’s going to be with me when WE get to the other side. 

Sometimes I just need the reminder. Sometimes I need the reassurance, the encouragement, the love and always the prayers! 

Sometimes I get that in the form of a random conversation that includes all of those things AND the understanding from someone who is also battling the shrink. 

That’s God.  

So here’s to not shrinking! Here’s to not walking alone. And here’s to doing the big things with my big God! 

I pray that each of you also do the big things...no matter the size. Do the thing that is in your heart. Do the thing that God has given you to do. And do it with the confidence that He will never leave you to figure it out alone.

“May the soil be fertile, the harvest be bountiful and the farmer never grow weary.” 

Eph 3:20-21

I pray that you will always do abundantly more than I ever could with what little I have to offer. 

Happy growing! Happy eating! 

Love y’all! 

Amanda